8 Key Elements of Marital Love

By Thomas Barnet

What is marital love?

How does it act and what does it feel like?  How does it grow and become so strong for some people?  Were they just lucky or have they learned how to succeed? 

Remember that day you held hands with your spouse and made sincere lifetime promises to each other?  You meant every word then and you still do-or at least you want to mean them.  But is it becoming more and more difficult to say, “I will”?  Do you feel yourself or your spouse sliding more toward “maybe I will”, or even “I won’t”? 

Have you been to the bank today?   

Think of all the times you “invested” in and made “deposits” into your “love account” with your spouse before you were married.  You were making regular and large deposits of patience, kindness, trust, affection and forgiveness.  You built up a large account which assured your spouse-to-be of a rich and rewarding future.  There were very few “withdrawals” during that period, so the account continued to grow.  But after the wedding one or both of you started to make “withdrawals” that were larger than the deposits, and your accounts are now empty or overdrawn.¹ 

Following are eight elements that you must deposit to daily if you are going to develop a deeply rewarding marriage relationship. You will recognize these 8 elements of marital love because they come straight from the Bible and are the most recited verses that couples choose to have read during their wedding ceremonies. 

This is God’s personal description of what true love is.  God designed marriage so it is not surprising that those who learn these lessons and apply them to their marriages find that they always work. 

There will be questions at the end of each element topic to help you assess the strength of your marriage for that particular element.  You will also find a space to rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being “The account is empty, and I need to make deposits”, and 10 being “My account is full, and I will focus on other elements”.

[Remember, if the grass starts to look greener on the other side of the fence it is because you haven’t been watering the grass on your side.]

Element 1: Patience

Patience is powerful!   This is a little talked about but critical element in every successful marriage relationship.  It is the foundation for all the other elements we will discuss, and it needs to be deliberately and purposefully developed because it is not our natural human tendency.  The well-known “fight or flight” mechanism is usually the first tendency when we are faced with challenges, and both of these reactions are deadly to relationships.²

Patience promotes 2 important benefits: individuality and time and room for growth and change.

Individuality: Do you fear that if you completely commit yourself to your spouse and his or her needs that you will “lose” yourself in the process?  Are you afraid life will lose all its excitement and that the unique part of the real you will disappear?  We’ve all heard people voice these concerns in comments like, “He will want me to do everything his way”, or “She will try to stop me from doing the things I enjoy”. 

These thought patterns are dangerous and lead to competition and protectionism but are also natural as you begin to realize that some of the personal dreams you have had may be delayed or even given up.  There is no question that marriage involves compromise, but for those who spend the effort to practice patience they soon find that it sends a loud and reassuring message to their spouse.

Patience says, “You are free to contribute all of your individual strengths, talents, and gifts, and I want to help you by enjoying them with you.  We may not be able to work on that particular dream right now, but we will wait and look for the time when it might be realized.”

Patience trains me to not miss the unique and wonderful qualities of my spouse and to enjoy the journey we are on together.  Here we need to distinguish between individuality and selfishness.  Our society in general does not help married people deal with this issue.  We are constantly bombarded with voices that promote selfishness.  Selfishness says, “I need this for myself so I am taking back the promise I made to put your needs first, to honor and to cherish, to respect.”

Couples that purposely cultivate an attitude of patience find that instead of losing individuality that they can celebrate it!

Time and room for growth and change.   Patience also allows time and room for growth and adjustment to change.  This is probably most valuable in the early years of marriage when so many critical decisions are made that will permanently shape the experiences of a lifetime together.  It isn’t surprising that so many marriages fail between years five and ten because they are faced with so many major decisions and changes:  where we will live; what careers we will pursue; how we will divide the responsibilities at home; how we will spend our money; how we will choose recreation and vacations; who will finish a degree or educational program; how many children we will have; how we will raise them. 

I encourage you to find a couple that has been married more than ten years and have the kind of strong relationship you desire. Ask them about the amount of patience it took to handle all the change in those first years.

Who’s in control around here?

Change is inevitable and basically comes in two forms:  changes we choose to make and those we are forced to make – out of our control. 

Many couples have failed because they could not adjust in time to change or were not willing to wait for their spouse to make the adjustment.  What should be an advantage (having someone to help me through the change) becomes instead a disadvantage and forces a rushed decision, an uninformed choice, a misunderstood intention, or at worst, an impatient ultimatum. 

This “adjustment”, when a person faces change, is an internal emotional and psychological releasing or altering of a way of viewing the world and ourselves with which we have become very comfortable.  Change forces us into ideas and behaviors and feelings that are always uncomfortable at first, even if they benefit us in the long run.  The stronger the imprinted pattern is, the more discomfort there will be in changing it.

Deposit or withdrawal?  

Let’s say, for example, there is a man who works for a sales organization that wants to promote him.  But this would require a move from the small town in which he and his wife currently live – to a large city. He really wants the promotion, and it would mean a lot more money to be able to do some of the things they have dreamed about together. 

She currently works at the library and has developed close friendships with her coworkers and can choose her weekly hours and schedule.  She is completely comfortable in her daily routine and values her current lifestyle.  She has a strong dislike for big cities, has a real fear of driving in fast and congested traffic, and doesn’t make friends easily. She has always thought her husband understood these things and that they were in total agreement about where they would live.

Do you see how they both would be facing significant changes in their lives if they decide to move to the large city?  Do you see that if they don’t make the move then he will have to make an adjustment in his goals and desires?  She may need more time than he does to embrace the idea.  He may feel an urgency to grab the opportunity.  Her individuality may be challenged while his is being bolstered, or vice versa. 

They can make deposits with each other that will further cement their relationship, or they can make withdrawals and drift apart.  He may let the promotion go by for the time being, or she may visit the large city several times and discover that there are some things she will be able to do there that will be exciting.  Either of these decisions could draw them closer together and patience will have played its powerful hand in the adjustment process.    

Assess the level of patience in your marriage relationship:

• Do you fear committing yourself completely to your spouse’s needs?
• Do you feel that you are losing or have lost your individuality?
• Do you feel free to enjoy the things you are good at and want to do?
• Do you feel like your spouse values your unique and special qualities?
• Does disagreement quickly escalate to fighting or cold silence?
• Is decision making always a competition or always rushed?
• Is your spouse less or more patient overall as time goes on?
• Do you feel you are less or more patient overall than when you began?
• Does change just happen to you or do you feel you control it? 
• Do you enjoy your spouse’s accomplishments and successes?

Rate the amount of overall patience in your relationship on a 1 to 10 scale, 1 being low and 10 being a high amount. 

Element 2: Kindness

This element seems so obvious and who could possibly disagree that it is important to be kind to your spouse?  I mean these are all the rules we learned in kindergarten: no name calling; no finger pointing; no yelling; no stomping; no biting, scratching, or kicking; don’t slam the door; you have to share; say please and thank you; say “excuse” me; say “I’m sorry” when you hurt your neighbor; don’t take your neighbor’s cookie; don’t track mud through the house; hang up your coat; clean your room; answer when someone asks you something.

So why do I see grown men and women failing at these basic relationship skills repeatedly when counseling with husbands and wives? 

Generally, people revert to these behaviors when they feel mistreated, attacked, and don’t feel respected.  It’s what I call the “Fine! I’ll take my ball and go home” response. 

Kindness is a choice just like patience.  Every person is capable of it. I In every strong marriage you can observe daily deposits being made into the love accounts through kindness.  Frequently people will treat their friends and social acquaintances with more kindness than their own spouse, and this becomes very frustrating.  If you have fallen into this behavior you must realize that you are making large withdrawals every time this occurs. 

Kindness in marital love is:

• Gentle in how it communicates. Speak softly because a “gentle answer turns away wrath” and has a calming effect.  It promotes more communication.  Listen carefully and don’t interrupt, stay engaged, maintain eye contact, seek resolution—come to a conclusion, answer the question, avoid sarcasm and critical comments, say please and thank you, compliment and express appreciation for your spouse’s efforts to communicate.
• Thoughtful. Give special attention to anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and special occasions, do unexpected things that show you have been thinking about how to improve the day, do the expected things – those you have each agreed upon as personal responsibilities, discuss upcoming events and plans so they are not missed or forgotten, hold the door for her, carry the heavier package for her, drop her off at the door so she doesn’t have to walk through the rain, watch the football game with him, grill his favorite meal.
• Helpful. Work to create a sense of fairness in the division of things that are desired and need to be done for the household- then go beyond and do more. Be ready to “gladly” help (deposit), not “oh alright” (withdrawal).

Assess the level of kindness at work on a daily basis in your marriage.

• Do have to raise your voice often just to be heard or listened to?
• Do you have to walk on eggshells when you want to discuss?
• Do you sit down with your spouse and maintain eye contact to talk?
• How often are compliments given and appreciation expressed?
• Do you do unexpected things to show love to your spouse?
• Do you go out of your way to make the day better for your spouse?

Rate the amount of overall kindness in your relationship on a 1 to 10 scale.

Element 3: Forgiveness

“Oh, did I say I am sorry?”  Forgiveness is an extension of both patience and kindness.  True forgiveness is when I purpose in my heart and mind to never again mention the offense to the one who committed it or to anyone else.  I also purpose to not relive the episode in my mind, and I refuse to replay the words and feelings.  I don’t talk about it or think about it.

Learning what true forgiveness is and practicing it regularly builds a powerful defense against the bitterness that destroys so many marriages.  Bitterness develops over time if I keep a list of all the wrongs my spouse commits.  I begin to look for my spouse to fail and “wrong” me, and then I use my ever-growing list against her/him to “prove” she/he is intentionally trying to make my life miserable. 

The most difficult part in marriage, which is the closest of all relationships, is when a hurtful behavior happens over and over, and you begin to doubt sincerity.  Keep forgiving—practice, practice, practice! The well-known phrase “carrying a grudge” is an accurate description—they get very heavy!  They will drag you down and wear you out.

“I didn’t mean it.”  Also at work in strong marriages is the flip side of extending forgiveness which is apologizing and asking for forgiveness when you have caused hurt. 

Here are some things you should work toward to make an apology really effective.    Take action immediately after you realize you have done damage—don’t wait.  Say “I’m sorry”- these words are very important – and then continue with what you are sorry for and why you are sorry.  If you are not sure exactly what you did wrong, ask and listen.  Admit that the action was wrong and keep the apology about yourself. 

Let me illustrate: 
The right way: “I’m sorry I accepted the invitation for next weekend without consulting you.  That was wrong, because we have agreed not to do that, and I know it makes you feel left out”. 
Some wrong ways:  “I’m sorry I accepted the invitation for next weekend, but why do you always get so worked up over these things?” “I’m sorry you misunderstood what I was trying to say.”  Both of these attempts push the blame onto the other person.  Try to correct the bad judgment if possible and express a commitment to not do it again.

Assess the level of forgiveness in your marriage relationship.

• How often are the words I’m sorry spoken in your relationship?
• Do you feel like either you or your spouse is keeping a list of wrongs done?
• Do you believe your spouse when he/she attempts to apologize?
• Do you have a hard time not replaying old tapes in your mind of wrongs done?
• Is it difficult for you to fully take on and admit your own wrongdoing?
• Do you find yourself telling other people about your spouse’s wrongs?

Rate the amount of forgiveness in your marriage on a 1 to 10 scale.

Element 4: Selflessness

Selflessness is a strong positive element in all relationships – and certainly in marriage. It is the opposite of selfishness which comes naturally to us, and it takes effort to establish.  Selflessness gives, not takes.  All of your wedding vows were or are going to be based on this higher vision that you will constantly and continuously consider the needs of your spouse above your own. 

Selflessness is not the natural human tendency.  Even though it is better to “give than to receive”, it is not easier.  However, the rewards for developing a selfless and giving attitude are a deep, permanent, and even eternal joy and satisfaction.  The results of selfishness are brief and temporary gain that comes at the expense of others and ultimately leads to loneliness.

Every facet of your married life is affected by how selfless or selfish you are.  How do you and your spouse make decisions?  Is it a competition where one or the other has to be able to declare themselves the “winner”?  Do you bargain for status or influence by trading favors? 

Selfless love is not self-seeking and doesn’t demand the spotlight.  It doesn’t insist on always being right, or on being stronger or smarter.  Selfless love doesn’t use its strength to dominate the other but to lift the other up. 

I encourage you again to find a couple that has the kind of marriage you want and study this element.  You will see that they enjoy each other’s successes, they give credit to each other, and there is a balanced sense of fairness and appreciation for each other’s strengths.  Ask them how they decide on vacations, how they decide on major purchases, and how selflessness has helped them.

Let’s talk about the reality selflessness in light of moving from single to married life.  When you are single and you decide to stay up late and play loud music, this only makes you tired the next day.  When you work late every night for a month, this doesn’t leave anyone at home alone.  When you buy that extra computer, it is only you that has to adjust to the budget crunch. 

REALITY—no matter how much pre-marital counseling you had, no matter how good an example your own parents set, no matter how many books you read before the wedding – learning to put your spouse’s needs ahead of your own desires is very difficult.  It is the single biggest adjustment newly married people have to make. 

But don’t beat yourself up, because everyone has to learn this.  There is no way to fully prepare. You really can’t “know” until you are there, and you begin to realize that every choice you make now affects the person you love the most.  Your road to success in this area is to again make daily deposits and remember that every act of selfless love produces a “win-win” outcome. 

Picture someone holding open the outside door of the restaurant for you to enter.  What is your immediate impulse as you reach the inside door?  Most likely you are anxious to return the selfless act.  This is what happens continuously in marriages where both people have learned selfless love.

Lastly, selfless love is unconditional!  That means there are no strings attached to my action.  I am not standing there waiting to be “repaid”.  I don’t hold open the door for someone so that they will feel obliged to open the other one for me.  That is what I call “bargaining for cooperation” and really has a selfish underlying motivation.  Selfless love is like giving a small child their first ice cream cone.  Your only motivation is watching how much they enjoy it!

Speaking to the men – if you learn to love your wife selflessly, you will never be able to out-give her.  For the sake of your marriage please test that statement.

Assess the level of selfless love in your marriage:

• When you and your spouse talk about something that needs a decision do either of you compete to feel like the “winner”?
• Do you find yourself bargaining with your spouse for their “OK – I’ll let you have that if I can have this?
• Do you feel dominated emotionally?
• How unconditional is the giving in your marriage?
• Do you give simply to see the enjoyment it brings your spouse?
• Do you feel verbally dominated by a boastful or arrogant attitude?

Rate the overall level of selfless love in your marriage on a 1 to 10 scale.

Element 5: Trust

Trust is another element that is vital to the marriage relationship.  It is surprising to me how often people don’t understand how it is gained and how it is lost.  If you ask someone why they trust another person, they can usually give solid and valid reasons, but then they so often end up with broken trust in their own marriages. 

Every relationship requires a level of trust.  When I seek a relationship with someone, I am granting the other person permission to develop expectations of how I will behave.  Again, when I desire a relationship with someone, I am saying “I give you permission to expect certain behaviors of me”.  When a plumber accepts my check as payment he is saying, “You can expect me to properly repair your pipes”.  When a teacher accepts an invitation to speak, she gives me permission to expect her to show up and be knowledgeable in the topic. 

Trust is important in all relationships. As personal intimacy increases, marriage being the most personally intimate, the expectations also increase to the highest level.  In other words, I freely and happily give permission to the one I marry to expect trustworthy behavior in every area of my life and now our lives together.  With the plumber it is only the pipes. But with my spouse it is everything—body, mind, emotions, soul, spirit, dreams, goals, hopes, and desires.

How did I do that?   How did I gain the complete trust of my spouse?  How did I win her/his heart in the first place?  It was with daily efforts and actions that were 100% consistent with the expectations I built into the relationship.  We made a lot of promises – some spoken, a lot that were implied. And then we molded them into vows that came with a lifetime guarantee. 

The following guidelines can be very useful if taken practically and carefully studied.

• Identify your successes
  You did a lot of things right to win your spouse’s full trust initially. 
  Write these successes down: Do you (did you) comfort her when someone or something hurt or upset her?  Do you (did you) listen to her cares and concerns and desires and dreams without criticizing or trivializing them?  That is why she trusts you with her emotions! 
  Do you (did you) encourage him in his career and show interest in his accomplishments, hobbies, goals?  That is why he trusts your friendship and feels your respect. 
  
  Do you (did you) make her feel physically safe and secure by checking the car to be sure it will (would) not leave her stranded somewhere, or by making sure she could always reach you if she was out or traveling alone? 
  
  If you aren’t sure how you gained that trust or which areas were most important then ask your spouse.
  
• Say what you intend to do and then do what you say. 
  Make decisions together and then do your part.  Following through on the small things is just as important as following through on the big things to maintain trust.  Don’t over-promise, but always try.  Don’t fall into telling half-truths, concealing information, withholding, or lying.  These will bankrupt the trust account quickly.
  
• Be careful to guard against activities that will destroy trust. 
  At work—don’t routinely lunch with, ride with, travel with, or discuss marital frustrations with a member of the opposite sex.  You are building trust and expectations with the wrong person, and countless marriages go up in smoke this way.  Guard your thought-life.  Don’t listen to or watch media that will tempt you to dishonor your wife’s/husband’s trust.  Take an inventory of your daily activities and evaluate how you are spending your time. To build trust, you must spend time with someone.

These are guidelines.  If you are struggling with trust in your marriage, I recommend getting out some paper and spending some time here. 
Assess the level of trust in your marriage.

• Would you describe your marriage as a safe and secure relationship?
• Are you often disappointed by broken promises or let down by lack of commitment? 
• Is there a lack of honesty or a pattern of withholding or concealing information?
• Do you trust your spouse with your emotions?  Physical safety and security?
• Are there some dangerous patterns happening outside or inside your home in regard to physical or emotional fidelity?

Rate the overall level of trust in your marriage on a 1 to 10 scale.

Element 6: Hope

What a wonderful by-product. 
Marital love always hopes.   There is always a spirit and a feeling of hope in successful marriages.  There is an optimistic and forward-looking attitude that is always an encouragement to both people.  When marriages fail, you will always hear that the very last stage was a loss of all hope that things could improve. 

The amount of effort people are willing to make is directly related to the amount of hope they have in possible success.  Hope, in large part, is a by-product of all the hard work and effort spent in the other elements of love. But there are some things you can do specifically to prepare the soil for hope to grow.

Make plans. 
When you make plans you instantly build hope into a relationship and inspire cooperation.  Plans give you something to look forward to together.  Making plans loudly declares, “We want to work together, enjoy things together, spend time together—we want to be a part of each other’s futures!” 

I am talking about plans of all sizes and types.  Make plans in regard to where you want to live, the type of home you want, the type of church you want to attend, the careers you want to pursue, and the future classes or education you will complete. Make plans if you want to have children, and if so, how many.  These are all the “big” or major plans.

I also recommend that you make a lot of regular, smaller plans.  Plan weekend activities, holiday activities, trips, vacations.  These don’t have to be elaborate or expensive.  Plan to eat together, pray together, shop together, or have a ‘watch-a-movie’ night.  You will find you come to look forward to these! This is the evidence that hope is being developed.

Learn to encourage
Why do we cheer people on toward the end of a race or game?  It gives that person extra hope that they can finish.  No one will run a race when they have no hope of finishing it. 

Encourage your spouse with your words, encourage by participating in his/her interests, encourage with your body language—smile, watch and listen carefully, encourage by touching.  It has been clinically proven that physical touch – hugging, holding, consoling – has a strong capacity to provide hope and encouragement.

Time to assess the overall level of hope in your day-to-day lifestyle and interaction with your spouse.

• Are you optimistic about the future of your marriage?
• Do you plan events and activities that you look forward to doing?
• Do you participate in your partner’s interests as a way of encouraging?
• Do you often sit close, hold hands, hug, reassure with a touch?
• Would you say there are encouraging words spoken often to each other?
• Is your level of hope for the type of marriage you want increasing or decreasing?

Rate the overall level of hope in your marriage on a 1 to 10 scale.

Element 7: Protection

Marital love always protects. 
Successful marriage partners protect each other in a number of ways.  They refuse to take sides with anyone against their spouse.  Their spouse will always get the “benefit of the doubt” until they can privately talk with him/her about the issue.  In the same way, they will not disclose or talk about private issues in casual conversation with others. 

I realize there are appropriate times to seek advice and help with a marriage relationship issue but choose carefully when looking for counsel.  Too often people make poor choices in choosing someone to confide in or ask for help from and end up humiliating or embarrassing their spouse because private information becomes public.  Your spouse will stop confiding in you if you don’t guard and protect each other’s privacy. 

Here are the key points to this element of “protection”:

• Don’t side against your spouse publicly. Always give the benefit of the doubt to your spouse.  If some “charge” or accusation is being made, be careful to withhold judgment until you can talk to your spouse privately.
• Guard and protect the privacy of your relationship. Be careful in conversation with neighbors, friends, at work, at the bowling alley, etc., that you don’t fall into a “jump on the bandwagon and bash my spouse” party and mention private details that will cause embarrassment and hurt.
• Stay alert to outside pressures or dangers. If the weekly party after the softball game has a “let’s go out and pretend we are single” theme, then GO HOME instead!  If your wife is afraid to walk to the store down the street after dark, go with her or go for her.  If you have to work late and she is concerned about being alone, put in an alarm system.  If one of you struggles with sexual temptation, then be very careful about the movies you choose to watch. 

There are numerous potential distractions outside your home that pose threats to your marriage.  There are also real threats to your physical safety like theft and violent crimes.  Be careful to stay away from high risk situations and protect your spouse at all times.  Do your best to maintain a sense of both physical and emotional safety and security for your spouse.

Assess the overall level of “protection” in your marriage—the sense of safety and security on a 1-10 scale.

• Does your spouse usually give you the benefit of the doubt?  Can you count on his/her support when someone outside your home challenges you?
• Are either of you routinely involved in outside activities that you feel threaten your relationship?
• Do you feel safe in your daily routine?  Physically?  Emotionally?
• Are you and your spouse alert to outside temptations and are you careful to avoid high risk situations?
• Do you feel your spouse shares too much private information with others?

Rate the overall level of protection you believe your marriage currently provides on a 1 to 10 scale.

Element 8: Perseverance

Marital love always perseveres. 

The words “give up” are not in a true marriage vocabulary.  There are common pressures, struggles and challenges that all marriages encounter, and every marriage has its own unique and individual challenges that others don’t face.  I can tell you from personal experience that as difficult as things may become, the reward for persevering is well worth the sustained effort. 

Given that every marriage involves two people, I cannot guarantee that your spouse will not give up. But as far as it is up to you, keep going.  Many marriages are saved because one of the people just would not stop loving the other. 

Why does perseverance get separate notice in this list of marital love elements?  Because it is the personal character strength that keeps us in contact with our promises and goals when we are hurt, bruised, wounded, and stretched to our limit by change. 

What does perseverance provide?

• Personal confidence:  Every time you make your way through a challenge, you realize you are stronger.  Every time you succeed because you stayed in the battle, you have a deeper sense that your life-long commitment to your spouse is intact and will not change.
• Strength to stay “engaged”:  What I often see happening is that when a couple hits some rough spots and they start to get discouraged, one or both “check out” emotionally and mentally.  You need to face the challenge together and keep each other moving forward.  If you don’t stay in the fight, you can’t enjoy the victory!

I encourage you to go back to that couple that has succeeded and has what you want in your marriage and ask what role perseverance has played in their married life.  Even though perseverance is more of an individual strength or character trait, if you both strive to develop it, then your marriage will be twice as strong as either of you individually. 

Remember this about your marriage: “You haven’t lost until you quit”.  

So how strong is this element in your life?

• Are you committed to fulfilling your promises to your spouse no matter what?
• Are you strong in the face of difficult challenges?
• Have you promised your spouse that, as far as it is up to you, you will not quit?
• Do you stay “engaged” when trouble comes to shape the outcome, or do you check out and then have to accept the outcome?
• Do you often feel like life isn’t being “fair” to you?
• Are you currently discouraged and feel like quitting?

Rate the overall level of perseverance you believe your marriage has on a 1-10 scale.

All of these critical elements of true marital love are interdependent. Each is like a pillar supporting the marriage relationship you are trying to build.  The stronger each pillar is, the more stable the whole structure will be. 

My hope also is that the key points, benefits described, questions, and assessment process will help direct your efforts and energy to the necessary and critical areas so you will fully live in the great satisfaction true marital love can provide.

Marriage Builders:  Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime:  https://www.marriagebuilders.com/

“Lead Me” by Sanctus Real

Citations:

1. The concept below of the “Love Bank” comes from Dr. Willard F. Harley in his book “His Needs, Her Needs” published by Revell, copyright 1986, 1994, 2001, 2011.
2. The concept of “fight or flight response” was first used by Walter Bradford Cannon.

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